No-Vocation ! Convocation...

Some humor in life can be left alone, while some need to be noted.

Taking an excerpt from one of the last official mails from college.

It reads -

2) At University Campus :-

Immediately after reaching University Campus at Lavale, Please proceed towards the SIMC Academic Block - Room No. SO3. Collect your gowns and lunch coupons from SIMC staff member.

# All the candidates can collect the packed lunch from the Food Stalls against the coupons issued while collecting the gowns.

First query from a few students - What about lunch for our parents?

No blame on the question as our esteemed college has taught us to enquire about the silliest of questions. Because who knows - The security might ask you to prove at the gate that the man and woman with you are your parents !

My answer is - Nowhere is it mentioned that lunch is complementary. Coupon might mean an advance bill like in some brahmin hotels in the south. So keep the cash and the change, lest you might get a rotten smile as balance.

Kindly also note the point that those who have coupons get a gown as well. Means more reason for parents to take care - Be hungry or else get some biscuits or bread along. Don't expect any butter as we ourselves have fought for the 'Right to Butter' for long.

Another excerpt from the same mail

All Gold medal awardees are to assemble near SIU office for the official photograph with Chief Guest by 11.00 amAfter convocation, Collect your certificates after depositing the gowns at the respective classroom no SO3.

Without depositing the gown and cap, certificates will not issued. (Note the grammar please)

The Gold medal winners are sure to have a question - " Do we have to deposit the gold medal as well for getting our certificates?"

Hope not is the answer. A last moment circular might be on the notice board which reads, 'Without depositing the Gold medals, degree certificates will not issued.

Trying to remember a similar experience or read?

Yeah...Right ! Exactly like those last moment mails which ask - 'Mail the names of your parents within 48 hours' (Reads like the last minute surrender notice to militants before bombing the entire house)

Student: Why sir?

Because it's important to mention on the transcript and degree certificate.

Student:But why was it not told earlier?

We wanted the updated details. So thought of collecting it late.

Oh Jesus ! (A cry followed by a loud sound) Thud ! (Chief guest swoons and falls on the floor)

Convocation Mails...

Once an SIMC'ian, forever an SIMC'ian

Hey,

I've sent my convocation form with copies of degree via India Post on Friday afternoon.
The consignment number is SP EM160253248IN. It should have reached the office by Monday max.
Please, request you to check and confirm.

Thanks & Regards

Comment: Should I call IndiaPost or the postman?

A few that kept me happy as well.

Rejil..i cant believe it its been 6 months since SIMC ..n u still are so dedicated..nothin has changed since Symbi..like seriously i dont think ne other president wud give a fuck after coll got over..good going!

Thanks a ton for the update.

SIMC 2010 President , you have sensibly carried out every responsibility.

God bless u.

Abc: wht else is up

rejil

u no smthng

me: tell me

:)

curious

Abc: id like to congratulate u for being such a gret prez even after graduating

10:46 PM me: :)

Abc: its amazing tht u dnt get tired of keeping every1 up to date about all the coll stuff

haats off really !

me: thanks a lot

Enzymes for Mass Destruction!

Ever since MS Word introduced ‘Synonyms’, many have used it productively, while many have used the same to destroy simple English.

For example, let us see how one of my friends would write the above sentence.

Eternally since MS Word pioneered ‘Synonyms’, countless have manipulated it prolifically, while a myriad number have exploited the equivalent to assassinate unsophisticated English.

(Take a deep breath and start reading again)

Some who never ever read anything beyond the alphabets, showered praise to extremes of finding a Shakespeare reincarnate in the above author. Some others were seen pondering & some lost in oblivion. Many others, who were forced to comment, went in search of Dictionaries/Wiki’s/Thesauruses, all in an effort to translate hieroglyphics to English.

The earliest efforts bore no fruit, as Google crashed when someone pasted just two sentences into the poor window. Then the translator was used, where Google commented as here – ‘Language not yet added. Please wait till we research this new language and script’.

The after effects don’t end here. One English lecturer got fits after reading the first two paragraphs. Luckily my car keys helped. Fate of the other guinea pigs is unknown. Recent medical report says that mental patients who are incurable with the negative stimulus of shock are given a capsule of some special enzyme, without an ‘E’. Ironically, ‘E’ is the most commonly used letter in the English language read and understood by the masses. Doctors say that reading two sentences is all that is enough for showing progress. They are trying the same breakthrough technique on people who suffer from Autism, cerebral palsy etc. If not a Nobel in literature, there is a great probability of a Nobel in Medicine waiting for this author.

The town is rife with rumours that US plans of hire the services of this writer to produce potent arms out of ink and paper. The plan also speaks about distributing this to non-English speaking countries where people die of asphyxiation after reading. In English speaking countries, the strategy is to kill by shock. This supposedly is touted as the weapon that can destroy the world in World War III. The title is Enymes of Mass Destruction (EMD), a variant of the biological warfare. Let's wait and watch!

Some have reportedly cried after reading the material. Doctors are yet to figure the glands from which tears came. Once discovered, this can be injected into the weaker sub-sect, thus making people stronger in taking shock.

On the flip side, many a regular reader/accidentally exposed reader is showing symptoms of fear, unexpected shiver, sweating when prone to words like enzyme, blogspot etc. The immediate message from IMA is to take precautions till an antidote is manufactured. And specifically not to read anything which has words like ocular, colloquy, chiropractor etc...(I’m not going further as a slight frisson has engulfed me)....err... Can you see signs of the disease in the last sentence?! What I meant is – ‘a slight shiver has soaked me’

Looking back, one of the comments reads so – “My English is not that strong. I take a dictionary & sit to understand what you have written but still I don't understand it fully.”

This is a classic example where dictionary failed miserably.

Our take – You are lucky to survive. Don’t tread further. Don’t make a mistake of reading it again!

In the pursuit where many a dictionary failed, another of my friend stumbled upon the source(s) of this spring.

http://goo.gl/MloG or http://watchout4snakes.com/CreativityTools/RandomParagraph/RandomParagraph.aspx

Statutory Warning: If readers are found to use this tool to emulate/imitate the protagonist, you are liable to be prosecuted.

Now let’s get more serious. Yet another comment says - "You have an amazing quality of staying with a reader".

We agree - Ghosts of bad experiences always follow!

Btw the author only accepts good comments. Caustic remarks are aborted. I’m bitten by the shiver again... What I meant is, negative remarks are deleted.

Waiting for more and more...What ? More and more patients to get better with the shock treatment.

On a parting note, do you know what an Enzyme means?

en·zyme [en-zahym] - Any of several complex proteins that are produced by cells and act as catalysts in specific biochemical reactions

On a positive note - Anyone who blames the blog name will be punished. This blog is proven to be complex and is certainly bringing about biochemical reactions in the reader!

Overheard: Eat well, Read well, and Write well. Else, nee thin aayi pokum (You will grow thin)

Cherry Berry Options !

Once upon a time in SIMC, there lived some 67 students in PR.

Then there came an assignment asking students to come out with PR strategies to sell Blackberry smartphones in India.

One extremely muscle loving female student's answer: (Love for muscles is a hint)

Strategy No 1: Give 2 kg black berries free with blackberries mobile. (Check how the brand name is changed to suit the plural of the same fruit, if at all it existed)

Strategy No 2:Give small merchandises like keychains with black berries hanging. T-shirts in black colour with berries written on it. So people will read black berries (Check the advertising/copywriting/Visual skills of this prodigy)

Strategy No 3: Write articles in all farming/farmer/agriculture related magazines about black berries mobile ...(Evaluator swoons..)

But she also had given a caption: We are not white cherries. We are not black cherries. We are the black berries !

Now the alumni works for a real estate firm as SENIOR MANAGER. (Direct posting. Might be they caught a glimpse of her assignment on black berries mobile strategy)

The name of the organisation is BLANCO HOUSING & INDUSTRIES. She was told to prepare a strategy document on selling more flats in the region.

Strategy No 1: (in the same lines as our old black berrieees) Sell one blank-O flat free with every purchase.

Strategy No 2: Give blank cheques with every flat purchased. The company name will be mentioned on top. (This is to increase the recall value)

Strtegy No 3: Articles/case studies of how Blank-o flats are build even if raw materials are unavailable. (Remember that reinforcement rods are not used only to cut costs- Case study it seems !)

Caption Options: No loan. No bank. Come to BLANK-O.

We offer it at flat rates. Blank-O houses.

Director reads the strategy and like his company's name, gives a blank 'O' look. Calls the recruitment team. Freezes all recruitment and suspends the interviewing team !

Life after SIMC - Alumni Saga - Part I

Story snippet No 1

Placed in Nashik, the poor soul who had no idea about Hindi, (forget Marathi) got into the bus.

Conductor: Tumhala kuthe jayeche aahe?

Alumni: Kya ? What ? enthu?

Conductor speaks in Hindi: Kidhar jaane ka

Alumni: ABB circle

Conductor: Jahan pe woh do ladke utrenge, udhar utar jaane ka.

Alumni nodded his head left to right & right to left

After a while, a few passengers had to get down from the crowded bus. To make way, the two gentlemen got down.

Our alumni found the 'do ladke' getting down and shoved, pushed everyone else and got down.

As soon as the alumni got down, the 'do ladke' got back into the bus.

'Ting ting' and whistle. The bus left and alumni looked around to get a glimpse of ABB or at least a half circle of ABB circle.

Story Snippet No 2

An AV student gets placed in the production house.

First client – Horlicks

Mood: Very happy. Fist high up in the air. Messaging friends.

Eppaang, Opaang, Jappang is the ad being made.

Some 10 chubby, obese, eppang oppang jappang chimpanzee kids came in to shoot.

Director: In bacchoon ka khyal rakhna

Our Alumni: Sure sir.

Little did he know the story ahead.

Kid 1: Uncle... chocolate...

Kid 2: Uncle .. Biscuit..

Kid 3: Uncle... Milk... (Lucky that the kid was above two years old. Else the almuni would be forced to prepare breast milk all by himself landing into more trouble...forget it !)

Our guy did a real good job throughout the day. Feeding the kids with whatever they wanted to. And then it became a routine.

Throughout all the shoots, with the MMC degree in hand, he had been doing a good job of serving squash, making lemon juice, sandwiches et al. Now he is promoted to serve it alone and not to prepare it.

So, suddenly pops up a message on his facebook from a batchmate. (Case study for another MBA guy slogging in a digital marketing agency on Too much Social media interference)

It read: 'Heard that you got promoted. Kudos man. Treat chahiyey'

(The batchmate hasn't forgotten the college habits of asking for the treat)

& our suffering promoted alumni went in flashback to his own dialouges.

"Tum pass ho gaye? Pehli baar? treat treat..!"....

"Tum fail ho gaye? woh bhi pehli baar ! treat..treat at silverspoons... !"

The obsession with numbers continues…

After a long time a trigger.

Teachers blabber. Hence students MUST ramble. Unsaid & unwritten rule? Seems so in SIMC and why? Here comes another bomb that ignites only out of curiosity, but refuses to blast. What else to say when damp squibs make bombs?

FILL (Rather DUMP) the internship report with 4000-5000 words.

Aim (If any)?: (The person needs time to think. While he thinks, let’s do a catharsis)

Might be to make great novelists or great SOAP WRITERS? Or otherwise is CREATIVITY the aim?

(P.S: The people who give such assignments are still thinking – effectively utilising their vacant spaces devoid of intellect - about how can NIRMA & HAMAM SOAPS be used to write!)

My request: Just think what purpose it solves by making a student write a 5000 word essay on an internship!

My take: A report of 5000 words makes the student who did quality work to sit and think on how he/she can make an internship report junk! Leave alone those who did not get enough work, though not for his/her fault.

Instead, if teaching to think out of the box is your aim or creative writing is the expected outcome, there are many better methods!

My questions (Can make a 25000 report): Aren't you all fed up of numbers in SIMC? Isn't the escalation from 60 to 130 to 240 students in the space of 2 years not enough a lesson? Haven’t you realized that quantity without enough intellectual capital to guide is akin to planting a sapling without providing enough sunlight and water?

Not only are you NOT contributing to an individual’s growth, but also are you guilty of disgracing the quality & independence of our effervescent youth. In short, in your greed to mint, you are contributing in your own little ways to spoil the future citizens and in turn a county.

My solutions to students: Write sentences synonymous to what you already wrote. Make the reader think that he is reading different sentences, though with the same meaning.

Eg: A sentence: This Policy I prepared was intended to be used as a guideline for recognizing employee’s contributions.

Same sentence in the next line must go like: This plan of action formulated by me was aimed to signify the importance of acknowledging a workers share of intellect to his company.

Using active and passive voice, Changing Subject to predicate etcetera are other tactics that can be employed.

Another example: The general guidelines given in this policy document are designed to support the intent of the program.

Keeping the meaning same once again: The intent of the program is supported by the general guidelines given in the policy document.

Still, if you are short of the 5000 mark Guinness, write stories upon stories of what had not happened.

Are they going to check or are they even going to ask? You will be marked according to the Dhoklas, Theplas & Undhiyu’s you ate in the course of your life. Some might detest the idea of food, but are still lucky as they had to inherit surnames like Patel, Mehta, Shah, Seth and so on. Also not to forget the rare few who learned ‘kem cho’ as part of his stay in Gujarat!

More questions: Why make it more complex by merely piling garbage? When will you realize that BREVITY is what the world needs! Keep it simple is what ‘Corporate Life KILLS’ classes taught. Still learning to comprehend?

Benefits: SAVE PAPER. SAVE TIME. High chances of EARNING a bit of respect.

Now the final question: If a student delivers a quality assignment/report, will you take the pain to read it & give an effective feedback?

My advice: Leave your obsession with numbers. Anyways you are no Ramanujam! Focus on why someone interned.

A simpler question: Have you ever told a student on how his powerpoint presentations could have been made better and more professional? & now you expect him/her to get value out of 5000 words?

Summary: Mere HOGWASH! Another wishy-washy affair! 2011 is ananyafied !

What does that mean? (I think I can hear your hushed whispers)

As per the new Oxford Dictionary of Neologism –

Ananyafy(v): A process where neither PReaching nor PRactise happens.

Usage: Symbi 10 & 11 have added blubber due to ananyafication.

Final Word: Brevity is the soul of wit !

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